POSSESSED!

If you'd like to skip all this because you've heard it before, you can just go to the Updates...

What's the opposite of a 1958 Fury named Christine?  It may just be a 1995 Lincoln Mark VIII I'd like to call The Green Monster.

*EVERY* *STINKIN'* *TIME* I get the "Well, this is a pretty good car" feeling, *SOMETHING* goes wrong with the green devil.

I bought it, feelin' good, about 2 years ago. A 95 green with gray Mark VIII, with about 52K on it. Looked great, drove great, perfect for me, priced right. My old '87 Mark VII had been a great workhorse, the only thing I'd had to worry about were those air suspension things. Everything else worked perfectly. It was a sad thing to trade it in.

But hey, I figured if that Mark VII was so good, this would be as good, right?  I was gettin' more horses, slightly bigger (look at that TRUNK!) and it still, to this day, gets compliments, just like my old Mark. The old girl was tired, but didn't look it.

So I got the green beast. It started right away. I got the extended warranty that covers everything but what's on the car. Well, I say that, the wiper control was sparking, and that was covered. Yay. So we'll let that slide.

I paid for the CD Changer to be put in. And the head unit went out. Then the Amp. Then the head unit again. I sold the CD Changer to my boss for his Town Car, and wound up with this.  And a much better thing lemme tell ya. That stock radio just IRRITATED me, every week I had to fix it. Enough.

Ok, now the car's all put back together, and it's great right? Not exactly, because a little bit after this, it started one day, and ran like a six cylinder. Then it fixed itself, but only after I ran around like a featherless chicken tryin' to figure out why it had a couple of dead cylinders. Well, ok, Christine, you're fixed now right?

Nope. Now the A/C controls quit working. And if you don't live in Houston, lemme tell ya, that's not a good thing. So I replace that, not under that warranty, thank you very much. 

That A/C thing IRRITATED me. $160. Man, that wasn't exactly expensive, but hopefully, that's it for a while. Car's pretty good, ya know?

Well, and wouldn't you know it, ANOTHER thing that's not covered breaks, the blend door for the A/C - heater. And guess when it fails? In the summer. In Houston. Pour me in a bucket. I make it last a couple of three weeks by beating the livin' heck out of the dash, which unsticks the motor, but soon it becomes unbearable. I submit, and $450 later, installed, I have a new blend door motor. Which required Dash removal. Man, glad I knew that dealer.

Ok, NOW the car's fine right? Nope. It runs like the six cylinder again. Sheesh. Ok, what's that? Plugs and wires. Great. About $150, IIRC, and a lot of strange disassembly on the pax side. Who came up with the snorkel under the cowl? Stupid.

Fixed! Nope, passenger air strut needs fixing. $400 and some beer later, that's done, thanks to the muffler/suspension shop I work for on computers. Nice guys, Mikes Muffler and Brake, Kirkwood store. Only don't go spreadin' the beer thing, that's a "me" only thing. You'll probably have to pay for their work. 8^)

I go through the hoops to cancel the warranty, since it covers nothing that breaks.  Or so I thought.  It took about 7 months before I realized that the warranty is still in effect it wasn't ever canceled.  Hey, I want my 800 bucks!  I got it too, took a few more hoops.  Man, gotta watch these things like a hawk.  And during all that, other things are happening to the car, watch:

Good to go, right? Nah, the alternator goes out. Heh, I'm goin' NUTS here. $180 later, that's fixed. Simple enough job, but man, way inconvenient. Hardest part was the tensioner, and get a ride.

Ok, now I can breathe right? No sir, I have to replace not only the wires again (Might as well, since I have to buy a WHOLE SET for the number 5's SPLICED WIRE. That was a Motorcraft set too. How in the heck does a spliced wire get through? Another thing to look for in the world of bein' sure. You coulda got away with that on my old 1966 6 cylinder, but not this car.) But the thing STILL ain't runnin' right. Right side coil pack. I know that because there's a mark motor in the corner (don't ask) so I steal one from it for testing.  It fixed the car, so it's still there. Tada. $80 for the wires, but maybe could have gone without it.  Think the splice took out the coil pack, honestly.

I was ready to strangle the car, should I find it's neck, at this point. MAN. What else? And I stew for a while, and the car's pretty good. And I'm thinking "Well, maybe I'll keep it a while longer. It's running ok, and man, it sure is a nice car. Everyone likes it."

And right about the time I finally get feelin' good about it, the LEFT air strut goes out. Dammit all. Another $400, and some beer, and it's ready to go.

Hey, that's 7 year old struts, so, chalk it up to it's time, right? Yep, that's the attitude. And so I'm backin' out the car, and the hood pops up. Oh well, that's ok, they don't always latch good, just to put it back down. Get out of the stall, park, open door, close door, raise hood, whack it down, reach for door handle and <SNAP>, no more door handle.

Amazing. At least all the other times it waited a minimum of 2 weeks before breakin' something. It didn't even let me outta sight of the SHOP. Where's my shotgun?  I start lookin' for other cars.  To this day, there's none I want that are new, I refuse to buy another used car.  I'm not in the restoration business.

I go around with no door handle, suspicious and superstitious. I figure, as long as the car's got the broken door handle, nothin' can go wrong, right? And I was right too, nothing else did happen while that was broken.

But after the third or fourth time I thought I'd lost my finger usin' the nub of the release mechanism (I'd wrenched out and discarded the handle, mistake.) I bought just the handle. Not the whole cup assembly. Which maybe I should have, but I digress.

And I got it painted by the oh so nice dealer whom I do computer work for, free. Sometimes it's who ya know, yes? So I'm all ready to try this handle thing, mano a carro.

And the car almost wins. Who designs this stuff anyway? You'd have to have a little teeny Lilliputian to get in there! It took me two entire days to figure it all out, and many trips to www.markviii.org, which I'd found for this reason alone. Thank God for www.markviii.org.  I wish I'd found them when I BOUGHT the car.  Remember, that's www.markviii.org.  And the things I found in there. Like the 2nd gen air struts, which are cheaper, and the cobra alternator, which would probably solve my alternator problems.

But I digress (again). The door almost wins, but I finally triumph! YES. Except I need to find a new pin for the pivot up front. Mine's gone. 5 hours later, after searching around on a Sunday, I found a bolt, some washers, and a nylon insert nut work great. Job finished.

Except that now I need a door panel, 'cause mines stress cracked. Thanks. 

But I can live with that. No problem. Just one of those things I'm not too concerned about just right now.

And so I'm trundlin' along, singin' a song, carrr's allll riiiight! (If you know the real song, you'll know how it sounds.)

And then I got a flat at a customer's place. A FLAT. Which is not by default the car's fault. Could have been anything. It's Houston. And on the coldest, windiest day in Houston, no less. On an incline, to further complicate. And it turns out that my Mark's jack and spare are NOT FOR THIS YEAR. It's for a 93. But it looks like it will work.

So I jack up the left rear of the car, thinking my wedge is enough to keep the car from rolling. And I then take a piece of skin off with the stupid jack handle/lug nut wrench/instrument of human torture. That hurt, and made me IRRITATED.

Ok, well, I got the thing jacked up enough where you know it's going to be ok, and then I try to take a lug nut off. Guess what? That Not My Model Year lug wrench is too big to fit on my lug nuts. What else? So, I get out my 1/2 socket wrench in desperation, find a socket to fit, and try that. 

Broke the socket wrench, but you saw that comin' right? Ok, so I spy a Brake Check across the way. I go across the street, figure I'd bum a wrench. I have to leave my license, no problem, be right back, just keep an eye on me out your front window, green Mark VIII across the street can't miss it (I'm so frozen with cold now, I'm babblin. Like now.)

Get the star wrench, go back, try to take one lug loose, and the scissor jack can't take all that. Remember, the car was on an incline. My wedge didn't work, that car just rolled forward the foot to the curb. Now the jack's destroyed, I have lost skin and blood, I'm cold, I'm gettin' windblown, and I need help. 

Call the boss, he brings a floor jack, and we jack up the car, get the (wrong!) scissor jack out from under the car, change the tire to the spare space saver (which does fit) and he goes off with the jack and my spare to get it fixed at this place 'round the corner from the office, and I'll pick it up.

And then I find that he lifted the car with the rear driver's floor pan. Nice bulge now. Sure glad he didn't latch on to the gas tank. 8^) But lookin' at it, there wasn't much choice, the scissor jack was in the way. Oh well.

NOW, I get a break right?

Sure. Right up until a 97 Mirage runs a red light and crams her car into my right front clip. Great.

That took about 3 weeks, and this was just after that big storm that flooded Houston happened. I was very lucky to get a rent car, and that was a huge story in itself. My back is messed up a little, so I kind of have to have a power seat to get the seat right, or my back will spasm. I went through 6 rent cars over the course of the three weeks my car was in the shop. Enterprise is one of the greatest outfits to have a rent car if the insurance covers it. My favorite was the Bonneville, outta what I wound up with.

Ok, car's good right? Yeah, and then *I* bonked someone. I haven't hit another car in like YEARS. Great. More shop work.

I'll admit the last two weren't the car's fault, but I'm beginning to see a pattern of chaos here. 

Ok, car's back, looks good, drives good, great. I'm thinking *once again* "Hmm. Maybe I'll keep it! And I can get those cloth seats, because this Leather's hot. Maybe I'll change the carpet out, and fix the panel, paint that goofy rubberized stripe green, ooh, maybe some two tone gray and green cloth seats, and I'll beef up and flatten out the rear seats, 'cause nobody likes the pits the way they are, and, and,...

And the radiator fan goes out. With my paranoid grandmother in the car, along with my parental units. G-R-E-A-T. Funny thing is the way the car reacts when the fan quits, and blows the fuse. I dunno if it's related to the A/C compressor running, but when it happened, I was accelerating modestly (I thought) and about 30MPH (goin' to 50) it just DIED, throwing everyone forward, and then picked back up, throwing everyone back, and my mother (who thinks I play too much in the car (which is right!)) says "MICHAEL!" in the way that means "I cannot believe you were ever my child you are such a horrible kid for throwing me around in this car."

To which I explain, ala Han Solo "It's not my fault! The car did it by itself!" And they don't believe me at first. Except the A/C stops being cold. Now I'm thinkin' fan belt, but the electrics seem to work. Hmmm.. Check the message center. All OK. Run the A/C through it's diagnostics. All good. There's a Texaco. Pull over (in the shade.) 

Left the car running and went to see if the clutch is still on the A/C. I had an incident where the A/C clutch center bolt sheared off. Man, that was scary. But a 1966 T-Bird is pretty forgiving of that, just unwrap the fan belt from the fan, and drive on.

The clutch is still there, but it's not on. A/C fuse. Get the book out, look at the fuses on the dash. They're all good. Look at the ones under the hood. Fourth slot from the cowl, a 40 amper, is blown. What's that? Fan fuse. For the radiator. Hmm. Car's off, push around on that fan. Tighter than a drum. Great.

But amazingly enough, the car didn't need it, as long as you were moving. So I got it down to a dealership Monday (my one that I do work for ACROSS TOWN, thank you very much) and get the radiator fixed too, as it had a pinhole leak at the tranny cooler connection, but in the warm weather, had plugged itself up. A while you were there thing. I tried to JUST replace the fan figuring that until the radiator blew, I could save the bucks, but nope, no dice, couldn't figure out how to get it out without draining fluid, and I didn't want to do that. Which is why the radiator was replaced. See, while you are there.

$670 later, I'm free to leave. Should have been more, but they like me there.  Yeah, the radiator is a "maybe fixed" but I was better off I believe.  But I was in the keep the car mood still, but then, just today (May 21, 2002,) the alternator goes out. Again. Thank goodness it was totally freebie swap out, gotta love AutoZone and their Lifetime Warranties, and thanks again that it failed in an easily worked on place, and I had help to get it. Went ahead and changed the belt too.  But the very strangest thing about this is it happened after I had visited the place I got the Flat tire from Heck.  Coincidence?!?  Yeah, sure.

And to top it all off, the Halogen lights suck. But who's doesn't?

Shut up all you HIDers, you make me sick. 

8^)

And so goes the never-ending saga of the accursed green '95 Mark VIII. Whatever else could go wrong for our brave adventurer?

Well, as it happens, I have to get a left rear tire, as it's a defect, and won't pass inspection. Looks like it's been over inflated, but they're all at 31PSI, I keep checking. They should all look the same. If anything, they should look under inflated, really. Oh yeah, it's the one that had the flat.  Nice.  Doesn't that figure?

I'm expecting a window to shatter any minute now.

So, there's the story. What a whiner, eh?  Now I'll never find a buyer for the Green Monster. But that's ok, I figure that with all that's going on, either I'll win a car, or I'll win the lottery. It's only fair. 8^)

Updates!

6-17-2002:  Well, I got ANOTHER flat.  And on the same dang left rear wheel!  Ain't that a kick in the pants?  No, it's not the same tire.  I had that replaced, and rotated the front left tire to the rear, as I mentioned about the defective tire.  Yeah, I passed inspection!.  But the flat happened at the office, and I swapped the tire for the space saver (which needs 30lbs more pressure!)  Good thing the office has tools for cars.  I gotta get a jack and a lug wrench.  Costco or Sam's, here I come...  Oh, yeah, had a screw in the tire, there's a tire store a block away, drove to it, patched up, and back on the road.

6-21-2002:  Ok, I decided that I was just too scared to drive the car at night any more.  I succumbed.  After all my rantin' and experimentin' and such, I got new headlamp assemblies for both sides.  Got them installed, and do you know how freakin' hard it is to find a 4mm BOX END WRENCH?  You need one to adjust the things.  I found this "Ford Aerodynamic Adjuster Tool" that's really neat, fits the things perfectly, and is about 3 inches too long to fit between the upper adjustment screw and the radiator core support.  I finally wound up having to purposefully buy $20 worth of Stanley 4mm socket and socket wrench, and even then, the uppers are barely accessible.  You need these for right/left adjusting, and the lower one is for up and down.  I got them adjusted, and I can now see a bit better.  Not great, mind you.  These things are just pitiful in general, you can read more here.  But it's WAY better than I had before.  I'm glad I did it, and I'll be documenting just how long those things make it before they burn up, and perhaps I'll experiment with the old ones for a more permanent, cheaper fix.

6-22-2002:
And now, if that's not enough, my water pump decided that IT wants to be replaced.  Great.  The upside of this is the dealer I do work for took my car in and let me borrow a car for the weekend (today is Saturday.)  It's a 2002 Town Car.  Nice, but I dinna like it.  Four door B pillar in my way, seats aren't very comfy (but they are powered!) and the A/C really doesn't work as good as my Mark's does.  (Now there's something you didn't see much on this page:  A PLUS for the Mark!)  But it's nice, and sure has a great big trunk!  8^)  I'll be snappin' some comparison pictures of the lights on this versus my new Mark lights.  I'll be interested in the differences.  I swear, I'll never be out of this Money Pit the car's become...

9-29-04: Ok, it's been a while.  But since all that happened, I still have the car.  The lights have burnt up, and I'm still every so often pursuing something to do about that.  The antenna's broke, I had to replace the tires, of course, and brakes, of course, and I had to pay about $1800 to chase a couple of broken valve springs.  Funny enough, the car runs EXACTLY the same with two broken valve springs as when you have a bad plug, wire, coil pack, weak battery, and leaking injector.  And of course, the shop I first took it to couldn't figure it out, and put a battery, air cleaner, and plugs in it.  Without checking the compression.  Which I kind of understand, if I myself were doing it.  After all, the Mark VIII's engine bay is one pain in the ass.  The spark plugs are hard as hell to get to in the back.  But I took it, and they didn't do it.  Not enough monies to complain about, but that shop's off my list.  I did the coil packs first, and wires, and figured it HAD to be injectors, so I have a set of those now.  We pulled them off and found a slightly cracked one, so I did them all.  Nope.  Just before I called a big wrecking ball over, my boss took me to a really great guy who fixed it up.  Runs good now.  But now the passenger seat is broken, and won't move back/forth.  And the rear air bags are acting up, gonna have to replace those soon.  And it needs front upper A-arms to make the guy happy enough to align the rear right tire.  Which is the ONLY tire that's wearing funny.  Son of a biotch.  I swear, I will never buy anything that requires four wheel alignments or weirdo special parts.  Plain jane, lots of people have 'em car for me thanks.  NEW.  No more used cars EVAR!!!111one.

10-1-04:  Well.  THAT was certainly interesting.  That day here.  Actually, as I type this, it's 10-2-04.  Anyway, the car was stolen.  They took it from me at knifepoint.  Along with a computer, a couple of 80G hard drives, my bag of stuff for work, and the cool JVC system of course.  Along with my wallet, which had my drivers license, SS card, bank card.  And my cell phone.  I don't know why.  And my Star Trek: The Motion Picture music CD.  Bastidges.  I bet they're halfway to Mexico by now.  Oh I guess I should explain they were Hispanic.  Which is the nicer, politically correct term.  There's a word that starts with 'S' I know I would offend.  Maybe one with a 'W' would also offend.  And I certainly wouldn't use them for anyone of Hispanic descent, because I know that, just like us white honky cracker mutherf*ckers, one bad apple does not the whole bunch make.  So if anyone sees a Metallic Green 1995 Lincoln Mark VIII with gray interior, dark tint, snowflake wheels, a taped up antenna, Orange HPD 100 Club sticker on the rear window on the driver's side, dent just above the passenger rear wheel well with the plates W64 MXJ (Texas), and one or more Hispanics (again, the PC term shows up) then please SHOOT THEM.  In the 'nads or something.  Ask questions afterwards.  Thanks.

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Copyright (c) 2004 by Michael A. Binckley.  Use anything in here without my say so, and I'll force you to buy and use my car..  8^)
Update 10-1-04: If I can find it... Update (dunno): Found it, trashed, totaled, got a '97 TBird instead... :)