Between rodeo and show horses, I made my living plating runners and Slim,
my wife,  trained a stable of runners.  The nature of racing being what it is,
we weren't always working at the same race track.

As a consequence, one of us would fly to wherever the other was
working about once a month, just to keep in touch.  Since she had an
assistant trainer to keep her barn going, she usually flew to wherever I
happened to be, even though she really hates to fly and has to
anesthetize herself just to buy an airplane ticket.

The only time I've ever seen her even mildly tipsy was when she got off
an airplane.

I'd made her a particularly attractive hoofpick and she carried it in
her hip pocket damn near everywhere she went.  She really liked that
hoofpick!  She had it in her hip pocket when she got on the plane in
Oklahoma City.  She had it in her hip pocket when she got off the plane
in Kansas City and she had it in her hip pocket when she tried to get on
her flight to Omaha...

She set off every metal detector in the airport.

Since she'd been on an airplane, she was barely coherent and had a bit
of trouble explaining to the good folks at airport security that a
hoofpick is not some nefarious weapon used to commandeer Midwestern
commuter flights, it's used to clean out horses' feet.  They were still
questioning her when her flight left, but she eventually sobered up
enough to convince them that she was a rootin' tootin' sho'nuff licensed
race horse trainer and that hoofpicks were part and parcel to the
husbandry involved in maintaining a race barn.  They were suspicious, but
they let her go.   They kept her hoofpick.

Naturally, she went straight to the bar, to await the next flight and
let her mad simmer.

Meanwhile, back in Omaha, her plane landed and she wasn't on it; her bags
made it, but she didn't.  Knowing her and airplanes, I figured she'd gotten in a bar
fight or something.

Anyway, after a couple of hours, the next flight from Kansas City landed
and she wobbled off the plane, reeking of alcohol.

The first words out of my mouth were, "Where'n hell have you been?"

I've done smarter things in my life.